A letter to my daughter on her first birthday:

April 16, 2020

My beautiful darling,

Over the past year, my mind has sometimes been plagued with sudden, tragic thoughts, and last night, while trying to sleep, it happened again. What if something were to happen to me before I can tell you that you mean everything to me? (When you read this on your 18th birthday, you will need the context that we are in the middle of a worldwide pandemic, and the fear of losing family members is very, very real).

I’ve always dreamed of becoming a mother, but I guess I never really knew what it would mean, or how it would change my life. I was unprepared. I was unprepared for the way it would pierce my very heart when you cried as a newborn, even as everyone around me said it wasn’t as loud as I thought. I was unprepared for the way my throat would close every time you say “mama.” I was unprepared for the bedtime battles, and the clinginess, and the steep curve of learning you. I was unprepared for the fierceness that has come to characterize my love for you. You have stretched my body, my nerves, and my heart, sweetest girl.

In this year, you have brought more joy to our lives, more laughter, more tears, and more gifts than we ever could have imagined. I’ve wondered a lot in the days leading up to April 16, why I feel so emotional about you turning one. Is it because I am losing my baby? Maybe. Is it because I worry you are growing up too fast? Perhaps. I am having so much fun with you in this moment, that I can’t imagine our love for each other growing more fun as you grow older. I feel grief over losing the baby you once were. I feel tremendous love for the baby you are now, and I suppose I worry that I won’t love the next version of you as much—how could I possibly love you any more than I already do?

At one year old, you are communicative, curious, and oh so loving. You can say a few words, crawl, have 2 teeth, and love to explore everything. I am proud of all the things you have been, all the things you are right now, and all the things you will ever be.

Above all else, you are the beat in my heart, and the air in my lungs.

We love you deeper than the ocean, and more than tongue can tell.

Love,

Mama